Staff! Man fainted!
Morning, sir. Heat exhaustion.
We're expecting a new lot of prisoners in, aren't we?
I've five listed, sir, but we can get a lot more.
- Can we? - The new push has started.
Soon as there's a bit of action, the bloody layabouts are begging to get in here.
I've a special coming in, sir, a broken sergeant major.
What, Roberts? So they found him guilty?
Wasn't no doubt about that, was there, sir?
- I suppose not. - I want him fit, sir.
If he's fit, you'll get him, Sergeant Major.
I want him, sir.
One, two, three, four. One, two...
- Morning, Harris. - Morning, sir.
- You the new staff? - Yes, sir.
- Name, Staff? - Staff Williams, sir.
- Staff! - Sir.
You gonna keep them line dodgers idling all day?
Sir. Attention!
- Worked in the civvy jails, haven't you? - Yes, sir.
- And Aldershot? - Yes, sir.
Why give up the comforts of civvy life?
- I wanted overseas, sir. - Jerry bombed the scrubs. Is that right?
- Yes, sir. - Then you'll like it here.
Nice and peaceful, isn't it, Staff Harris?
I'll do my job anywhere I'm sent, sir.
Enjoy prison work?
- Fancy I'm the right man for the job, sir. - Do you?
Staff Harris here don't reckon himself as a man with a mission.
- Is that right, Harris? - Well, there's other jobs.
They can still use men up front, sir.
Then why the hell didn't you join the commandos?
No, all I meant was...
I've done 25 years. Where the hell do you think I'd like to be, right now?
Nobody's gonna pin a medal on us, but get this straight,
one job's as important as the next.
- Is that clear? - Sir.
Two prisoners for release, sir!
- Double them over here! - Pick 'em up there!
Left, right, right turn,
left, right, left, right, left, right. Mark time!
- Carry on, Gate. - Sir.
About turn. Right turn.
- Keep them knees up. Keep them up. - Halt! One, one, two.
Right. Let's have your names. You?
- 743, Walters, sir. - Put your kit bag down. You?
- 158, Martin, sir. - Put your kit down.
- Due for release, eh? - Yes, sir.
- What were you in for, Martin? - Went absent, sir.
- You, Walters? - Went absent, sir.
Be going absent again?
- No, sir. - No, sir.
When they came to me, they were on the run.
- Living it up in Cairo, wasn't it? - Yes, sir.
Living with a couple of cabaret bints.
Very tough they was, considering they was pimps.
Wasn't going to do nothing I told them, was you? Well, speak up.
We sort of thought like that, sir.
Any complaints about any members of my staff?
- No, sir. - Glad of that.
We've treated you well, better than you deserve.
You look better and you smell sweeter. Gave you both hell, didn't I?
- No, sir. - Could have been worse, sir.
Who told you to make a speech? You know why I made you suffer?
To find out if there's any good in you.
You hurt yourself, lads, trying to beat me.
You take the hill, the pack drill, the lot, and learn about discipline the hard way.
I've doubled in thousands like you, the dregs, the dross, the filth of the gutters.
But when I've doubled them out, they've turned out like you two, like men.
And a credit to the uniform. Right, pick up your kits.
About turn!
Double march. Left, right, left, right, left, right, left, right,
left, right, left, right, left, right.
On the double!
- Staff. - Sir.
You got room in B Wing for five prisoners?
- Yes, sir. - All in one cell. Fix it.
- Sir, I will. - New scum and old scum are bad mixers.
I'll assign Staff Williams to you, Harris.
He can cut his teeth on this new lot.
Left, right, left, right, right wheel, mark time.
- Fix it. - Sir.
Halt!
- A new intake of prisoners, sir. - Sweat them down.
Double them before you give them to me.
Sir. Double march.
Left, right, left, right, left, right, left, right, left, right, left, right.
I'm a fair man, Staff. All I ask is that the prisoners obey orders and at the double.
- Your job is to see that they do. - Yes, sir.
Every member of my staff's got my full backing.
There's the Commandant, of course. The Commandant signs bits of paper.
He'd sign his own death warrant if I handed it to him, but I run this place.
Get that? The Commandant doesn't like being troubled with trivialities.
So only take up serious matters with him, Staff. Like arson or sudden death.
But see me first, always.
Left turn!
Left, right, left, right, mark time. Halt!
- Take over, Staff. - Sir!
Pick up your dressing. Come on, look lively!
Stand still! All right, turn out your kit.
Tidy it up. Tidy it up. Tidy it up.
Tidy it up. Tidy it up.
Tidy it up.
Stand still!
- Sir, that's my... - You will get a receipt.
- Love letters. - Please, sir, they are my wife's.
Tell it to the Sergeant Major.
Those letters, sir. Please, they're my wife's.
I'll tell you when to speak.
So that's the way your bloody mind works, is it?
Thought you'd contaminate His Majesty's prison with fornicating pictures, did you?
Sir?
Thought we'd let you keep them for pinups, I suppose.
You dirty-minded animal.
- Staff, what's this? - Tell it to the Sergeant Major.
- Sergeant Major. - Shut up.
Staff. Right, let's have your names.
- You? - 132, Private McGrath, sir.
- You? - 736, Private King, sir.
929, Private Stevens, sir.
- You? - 824, Private Bartlett, sir.
421, Trooper Roberts, sir.
- You're Roberts, eh? - Yes, sir.
My guess is Willie, sir. He is my pal. I bet he put those postcards in my kit.
He planted them on you?
That's Willie, sir. Always dropping me in it.
Your charge sheet says you stole three bottles of whiskey
from the sergeants' mess.
Funny you weren't charged with being drunk, too.
- My unlucky day, sir. - I make the jokes here.
When you've served your sentence, you'll be arrested at the gates
and charged with having in your possession obscene photographs.
Now you can start laughing. Watch it! Watch it.
- You stole 10 motor vehicle tires? - Yes, sir.
- What did you do with them? - Well, I flogged them, sir.
- To the enemy? - No, to the wogs.
And what do you call them, your little friends? Sold them guns, too, have you?
- No, sir. - You would if you had a chance.
How many times have you been inside now?
Nine, sir.
Just be about due for your pension, eh? When did you last see action?
- Action, sir? Let me see... - You've never seen any.
- Well, I never quite got round to it, sir. - No. You didn't, did you?
- It's the luck of the game, sir. - Bartlett.
Let me tell you
that the front line is going to be a damn sight more comfortable than here.
Understand?
- You're a fighting man, McGrath? - Yes, sir.
Yeah, I see. You assaulted three members of the Corps of Military Police.
- Yes, sir. - Seen any other action, apart from that?
- If you're asking if I'm a coward, sir... - I'll soon have the answer to that.
Well, I didn't flog tires to the enemy, or sell dirty postcards on the streets of Cairo.
No, you got boozed up and tried to obstruct the police.
- I don't need a drink before I... - Your kind always need a drink.
McGrath, I've a dozen like you inside here.
They all came in here thinking they were going to run this place.
I've just doubled a couple of them out.
- Went absent, Stevens? - Yes, sir.
- Didn't fancy the sound of gunfire? - It wasn't that, sir. I was...
Tried to stow away on a boat leaving for England.
No, I was trying to get home. You see, sir, it was because...
Not very smart of you, Stevens.
The smart thing to do is to go to the airport. Give a Yank 20 quid,
and he'd fly you to Hong Kong if you wanted it.
- No, it was home I wanted, sir. - Missing you wife, Stevens?
Yes. Yes, sir.
Every man who wanted a cuddle
and a little bit of loving kindness took off for England,
there wouldn't be any bloody army left over here now, would there?
- No, sir. - You're out of place here, Stevens.
Obey orders. Get out as soon as you can.
Thank you, sir.
- Roberts? - Sir.
Your commanding officer gave you an order. He ordered you to fight.
So you knocked his teeth out. Is that right?
Yes, sir.
Is that all you got to say?
Sir, it's all I want to say.
- See that hill? - I noticed it as I came in.
We built it special.
A few tons of sand and rock and a lot of labor and sweat. The prisoners built it.
Well, that's marvelous, sir. It's a great construction feat.
Something tells me you're going to get to know it well.
- I don't want any special privileges. - It gets hot on that hill. Hot.
I fancy I saw snow on the top when I came in.
You're dead set on having a go at it, aren't you?
No, I can do without it, sir, but I think you've got other plans for me.
- King. - Sir.
Would you like to drill with these men?
Anything you order I can do, sir.
Pity I won't see it. You can't drill with them. You're black.
- I already know that, sir. - I only take notice of one thing. The book.
King's Rules and Regulations lay it down in black and white that Hottentots,
bosutos, voodoo boys and sons of witch doctors do their square-bashing
separate and away from white men.
- I'm a British subject from the West Indies. - You're black.
That makes me happy when I see some white men, sir.
Don't answer back, you different-colored bastard.
Man, I spit.
- Staff. - Sir!
Over here. See if the M.O.'s ready to inspect these men.
Sir!
- So you're a British subject, eh? - Yes.
- Yes, what? - Yes, sir.
Then you have equal privileges.
You can drill with these men,
and you can dance over that hill with them.
Be my pleasure, sir.
Six prisoners present and correct, sir!
Forty-six prisoners, correct, sir!
Sixteen prisoners present and correct, sir!
Fifteen prisoners present and correct, sir!
Eighteen prisoners all present and correct, sir!
Five new prisoners all present and correct, sir!
Eighteen prisoners all present and correct, sir!
Now, if any of you are excused boots, pack drill, breathing, have six toes, two heads
or a dose of the clap,
are pigeon-chested, walleyed or still have to be breast fed, speak up now.
That's my set piece and it always gets a laugh.
- Ready for medical inspection, sir. - King, fall out.
Double over to the M.O.'s room. Left, right, left, right, left, right, left.
So you're the busted sergeant major, are you?
I'll bet your boys loved you. How many of them died for you, Roberts?
Some of them died fighting.
Don't give me the big hero stuff.
You got busted for cowardice, cowardice! Eyes front!
Not a swatty in the Middle East who's not heard about you.
What are you supposed to be? A brave man in a permanent base job?
Next!
Stevens, fall out and double away, will you?
Left, right, left, right, get those knees up, will you? Get them up, up, up!
Medical inspection.
Man, the only place that crazy doctor inspected...
No talking.
How he gonna know I A-1 by only just looking at my secret weapon?
I told you no talking!
King, Roberts, you're on charge.
- Hey, Staff, he didn't speak. - Don't answer back.
But, Staff, you charge me. That man ain't speak.
King, you're a dead cert for bread and water if you don't stop flapping
that big trap of yours.
- I told you, Staff. He didn't speak. - Why don't you shut up?
All right, McGrath!
Well, I don't want them two dropping me in it.
- Next, Staff. - Yes, sir!
- All right, McGrath, fall out. - What the hell are you doing, Stevens?
Now cut out this bashful virgin act.
Double it up! Left, right, left, right!
Halt!
Now you two had a great time of it with the Sergeant Major,
but I'm taking care of your welfare from now on.
I'll tell you here and now. I hate the bloody sight of the pair of you.
- Next, Staff! - Sir! Bartlett, fall out and double over.
All right, move, move, move!
Get your knees up. Get them up.
One of these shy lads, are you, Stevens?
Well?
- Well... - Well?
- I was... - You what?
One of these cads who can't make up his mind whether he's a boy or a girl?
- I'm married, sir. - Are you now?
And who's who in your little partnership?
We don't have to be treated like that, do we? I mean...
- Eyes front! - We're not animals.
Haven't made up my mind whether you're fish or fowl yet, Stevens.
- Staff! - Sir.
I want this one scrubbed with a yard broom.
- He's blacker than a darkie! - Sir!
- Next, Staff! - Roberts, double!
- Move it! - Halt!
Hat off! Inside!
- This is Roberts, sir. - Take your shirt off.
- Any serious illnesses? - Do you mean recently, sir?
Anytime.
Smoker's cough.
Drop your trousers.
- Anything else? - Like what?
- Any recent incapacities? - Well, I wouldn't brag about it if I had, sir.
Roberts, in this place, it pays to give a plain answer to a simple question.
Try learning that golden rule.
Turn around.
Right, get dressed.
- Then I'm fit, sir? - Yes.
Where are you sending me, to a stud farm?
Roberts, I give you one week, just one week. Now get out.
- Right now. - Yes, sir.
About turn. Forward march. Left, right, left, right.
Attention! Stand at ease! Attention! Stand at ease!
Attention! Stand at ease! Attention!
- Staff! - Sir.
I suggest you take the prisoners on a short excursion.
- Sir. - To the hill, Staff.
Suggest you take them to the hill. Let them walk round it.
Inspect it at their leisure.
Then take them up and down it, say half a dozen times. No more.
Just half a dozen times. But not Roberts, Staff.
- Not Roberts, sir? - Not Roberts.
Give him half an hour. That's plenty. Just half an hour.
- Carry on, Staff. - Sir.
Detail, pick up your kits. Move, move, move!
Stand still!
Roberts! You're idle on parade. You're on another charge.
Remainder, three paces forward, march!
Left turn! By the front, quick march!
Left, right, left, right, left, right!
You're a clever bag of tricks, you are, Roberts.
Not inside glasshouse half an hour and you use your bloody influence
to get us a ride on the hill.
Aye. I'll bet there's one Saturday night booze-up your father's always regretted.
Roberts, are you listening to me?
The ride on the hill leaves any marks on me, I'll leave a bloody few on you.
Left turn! Stand still!
The hill.
Right turn!
By the front, double march! Left, right, left, right, left wheel!
Left, right, left. Left, right, left, right, left. Pick up your step!
Left, right, left, right, left, right, left, right, left, right, left, right.
Left wheel!
Left, right, left, right, left, right, left, right, left, right, left wheel!
Left, right, left, right, left, right, left, right, left, right, left, right.
Left wheel!
Detail, halt! Stand still!
Left turn!
This is the north face, gentlemen. I mean, ladies and gentlemen. Still!
On a clear day you can see Mother India. Still patches of snow on the top, Roberts?
Damn funny hill. Nothing seems to grow on it.
It's full of surprises.
The only thing that's been known to grow on that hill is soldiers.
They grow weary!
Now we're going to double up it. By the right! Double march!
About turn!
Double!
About turn!
Double! Double!
Move it!
Come on. Move it.
Move it.
Stand still. Come on, get fell in.
Pick up your dressing. Stand still!
All right, detail, stand at ease! Not you, Roberts.
Now take your towels out. Not you, Roberts.
You're gonna continue doubling, Roberts.
About turn!
Double march!
- Take them away, Staff. - Left incline. Double march!
Come on, get your knees up. Left, right, left, right. Halt!
Right. Get your clothes off. Get in.
Double!
Left, right, left, right, left, right.
Left turn!
Halt! Left turn!
Right, change clothes and lay out your kit, and be smart about it.
It's filthy.
- Double. - That's enough, Staff.
- Yes, sir. - Walk him.
Or lift him. Put him in the shade and rest him.
My picture got wet. That's my wife.
- And she looks like a very nice girl. - She is. Jean. That's her name.
- Looks too good for you, Stevens. - Give us a dekko.
Now go careful. It's still wet.
Lord! I wouldn't mind half an hour with her, eh?
- Come on. Give it. - Hold on. Just wanna have a shifty.
What's her legs like? Can't see her legs.
No, come on, give it to me.
What's she got stuck up her jumper?
- Oh, come on. - Couple of barrage balloons, eh?
She's not a bad old piece, is she?
- Give the photo back. - All right. All right.
From out here, it sounds like a monkey house, looks like a monkey house,
smells like a monkey house. Didn't I tell you to smarten it up?
All right, get your mess tins and get in the line.
Come on. Put a move on. Move it!
Or by Stephen, you'll suffer.
Come on, come on, come on.
Left turn!
Left! Double march! Left, left, left. Left wheel.
Right wheel. Key, Staff. Mark time!
What about my grub, then?
Nails, lad! Come on, hold your nails out.
- Ration correct? - Bread's a bit short, sir.
Weigh it.
It's overweight. Cut a bit off.
- Correct? Correct? - Yes, sir.
Come on, get those knees up.
Up, come on! Left, left, left, right, left.
Left, left, left, right, left. Come on!
Staff, I'll see to them.
Well, what about my grub?
You missed it, didn't you?
Like that hill, Roberts?
Roberts, the court martial broke you,
but I'm going to finish the job. I'm gonna bust you wide open.
I've got your number.
You'd work as a dustman if they gave you a uniform
and a couple of men to yell at.
- Do you think that's funny? - Well, no.
- I'll teach you. - But everybody else...
Get into your kit!
Move it! I'll teach you. And that goes for the rest of you.
Move it! I said double outside.
Mark time.
Fall out!
You dropped that little lad right in it, didn't you, Roberts?
Yeah, and we're going to be next if he don't keep his big trap shut.
Don't make things worse than they are, Roberts.
Look, he wants me.
He wants you 'cause you're the wrong color.
The rest of you he doesn't find all that interesting yet.
But he'll have you just the same.
The RSM likes making toy soldiers. Williams likes breaking them.
Now, you all work out what you're gonna do about it.
Maybe you're right, but keep your big mouth shut
and don't give him too many opportunities.
How come you put one on your officer, Roberts?
- He asked for it. - For ordering you up the line, you mean?
- For ordering me up the line. - Wasn't very considerate, was he?
- Should have ordered you to a rest home. - I'd have volunteered for that.
You know, there's a yarn going round that you beat up your officer
and then ordered your lads out of line.
- Is that the story? - That's what I heard.
- It's true I stuck it on him. - Why, Roberts?
Oh, you'll read all about it when I write my memoirs.
How Joe Roberts saw action one day and didn't fancy a second basin?
Well, I'll try and make it read a bit better than that.
How's this?
Half the regiment wiped out, but not gallant Sergeant Major Joe Roberts.
I couldn't have that. You see, I was due a week's leave in Cairo.
The lads who'd gone in, any of them still alive, Roberts?
- Any of them still alive, Roberts? - I am.
Now that's all for now. Leave him.
There'll be no more fighting. Ain't we in trouble enough already?
So chuck this in.
All right. I'll find a quiet corner to finish the job off.
McGrath, you try that again and I'll kill you.
Williams is gunning for you. Maybe I'll just leave it to him.
You're a real thick-nut soldier.
You'd shoot up kids in the next street if you was ordered to.
Look, I told you to chuck it in, man. Chuck it in.
Staff!
Watch it.
I hope you lot can put up a better show than that.
- Well, who knocked you about, Roberts? - I bumped into the wall.
Who was it?
Like he said, Staff. Bumped into the wall.
Well, if you keep bumping into walls, Roberts, let me know who's pushing you.
I won't stand for any punch-up artists, McGrath.
Aye, Staff.
Right, into your kit, the lot of you.
- Well, move it! Get Stevens up. - Yes, Staff.
- Oh, no. Please. - He's in no fit state for a second helping.
Fall in outside! At the double.
Get in line!
The Sergeant Major fancies he has the patent on how to make soldiers.
I'm gonna prove to him and to you lot that I've got it, as well.
Eyes front! Left turn! By the front. Double march.
Left, right, left, right, left, right, left, right, left, right, left, right.
Halt! Stand still! Right turn! Go! Come on out of it, you four.
Go on, move! Buckets of water. Move! Come on! Move it out!
Left, right, left, right, left, right.
Detail, by the right, double march!
Staff, man fainted!
Right, up you go.
Double. Roberts, move it!
Staff, take over!
Fill them up again.
Come in. Hello, Charlie.
Hello, Bert.
- Sweetie? - Thanks.
Thought you ought to know, Bert,
Williams has got all the mob from Cell 8 on the hill.
Has he?
Including the lad he had on it a while ago.
Well?
I don't think the lad's up to it, Bert.
I bet you were good to your mother and I know you are too good to the prisoners.
Getting idle your men are.
Next thing you'll be having them in the mess for a Saturday booze-up.
- You think I'm losing my touch? - Losing your touch, Bert.
Twenty-five years service in, you'd think you'd know your job. And you do.
You think you can make soldiers out of muck and you can.
You've got an easy way with you, Charlie, but don't come the old soldier with me.
Stevens is A-1 fit for punishment.
Bert, honest, he doesn't look that way right now, look.
It's here in black and white. The M.O. passed him fit. Now get out,
or I'll have you doubling with your little mates.
Not over that hill.
Even you wouldn't get me over that hill, eh?
Water, over here.
Bartlett, on your feet, lad! Double. You, douse him.
Roberts, on your feet, lad, double!
On your feet and double!
Douse him.
- Staff, he's crazy. - I said douse him!
All right, you bastards, fall in.
Move it!
Stand tall!
Right turn! Forward turn!
By the front! Double march! Left, right, left, right, left wheel!
Left, right, left, right, left, right, left, right, left, right.
Obeying orders, don't beat me.
Mark time! Thank you, Staff.
Forward march! Right wheel!
Left, right, left, right, left, right, left, right.
Left, right, left, right.
Carry on, Staff.
- Staff? - Staff.
Thought you might like a nightcap, sir.
- Good night, sir. - Good night.
Staff, Staff, Staff, it's me. It's Jacko, Staff.
Staff, it's Jacko. Yeah, it's Jacko, Staff.
I'm still up on my feet. Staff, Staff, it's Jacko.
The different-colored bastard. Staff.
You wanna take me out again, Staff?
You can't beat Jacko, Staff.
No. Oh, no. No, no man can beat Jacko, Staff.
No man can beat Jacko, Staff. No man can beat Jacko, Staff.
- Darkie, go to your bed. - Darkie?
Okay, okay.
- All right, I'm ready for another basin. - Oh, get into your bed.
Who are you shouting orders at? I can do it again.
Anytime. Williams won't beat me.
You sand-happy bastards, it's night.
That's not the sun. That's a Gestapo lamp.
Get your kits off.
Give him a hand.
Come on, let's have it off.
- Steady. - Careful.
- Straps are like bleeding knives. - I'll get your shirt off.
Stevens, here.
Okay?
There you go.
Look at Monty. Hey, you're a wise boy, aren't you?
All these wogs are a load of cobblers.
Monty, the screw'll put you over the hill if he catches you smoking.
And it's Commandant's inspection today.
Three hours standing, too, instead of doubling.
Some rest. All day long in the blazing sun.
I'll tell you one thing. They won't fault my equipment. It's perfect.
Yeah, but Stevens can't go on parade with his kit like this.
Well, he'll get the stick for it, then, won't he?
A Section, all present and correct, Staff!
B Section, all present and correct, Staff!
- C Section, all present and correct, Staff! - D Section, all present and correct, Staff!
- A Company, all present and correct, Staff! - B Company, all present and correct, Staff!
- A Wing, all present and correct, sir! - Carry on, Staff.
- B Wing, all present and correct, sir. - Carry on, Staff.
Stand still! Stand still!
Staff, stand the prisoners at ease!
A Wing, stand at ease!
B Wing, stand at ease!
Five minutes rest. Half an hour's attention. Don't half crease you, doesn't it?
We are all doing time, even the screws.
All prisoners present and correct, sir.
Front rank, one pace forward, march!
Stevens. Your kit's a blinding wonder, lad. You'll have RSM jealous.